Understanding Dementia Through the Eyes of a Neurologist
A few days ago, I came across a deeply moving article written by Dr. S. C. Sung, a neurologist who has spent years caring for individuals living with dementia. Rather than writing about treatment or medical management, Dr. Sung wrote something far more personal – a letter to his own family.
In this letter, he outlined 22 heartfelt requests describing how he would like to be treated if he were ever diagnosed with dementia and gradually lost his memory.
The article quickly touched millions of readers across the world. Many admitted that they were brought to tears. Yet beyond the emotion, the article offers a powerful lesson: dementia does not erase a person’s humanity, dignity, or need for love.
At VataVriksh Parent Care, we work closely with families caring for elderly parents (seniors) experiencing memory loss, cognitive decline, and dementia. Every day, we witness how understanding and compassion can dramatically improve the quality of life of a person living with dementia.
This article is not just about dementia. It is about preserving dignity when memory begins to fade.
Dementia: More Than Forgetfulness
Many people assume dementia is simply about memory loss. In reality, dementia affects:
- Thinking and reasoning abilities
- Communication skills
- Emotional regulation
- Orientation to time and place
- Daily living activities
- Social interactions
However, one thing often remains long after memories begin to disappear – the ability to feel emotions.
A person with dementia may forget names, dates, or faces, but they still experience comfort, fear, loneliness, joy, and love.
This is exactly what Dr. Sung’s message reminds us.
The Most Important Lesson: Enter Their World
One of the most profound suggestions from Dr. Sung is not to force individuals with dementia back into reality when they become confused.
When a parent believes they are living in a different decade, looking for a long-deceased relative, or waiting for someone who is no longer alive, correcting them harshly often creates distress and anxiety.
Instead, dementia care experts increasingly recommend validation, empathy, and gentle redirection.
Rather than saying:
“That’s not true.”
Try saying:
“Tell me more about that.”
This approach respects their emotional reality and reduces unnecessary suffering.
Why Families Often Struggle
Caring for a loved one with dementia can be emotionally exhausting.
Family members often experience:
- Grief while the person is still alive
- Frustration from repeated questions
- Stress from behavioral changes
- Guilt over losing patience
- Anxiety about future care needs
When parents repeatedly forget names, repeat stories, or become confused, family members may unknowingly react with irritation.
Dr. Sung’s letter serves as a reminder that these behaviors are symptoms of a disease, not intentional actions.
The parent who once cared for you is not trying to be difficult. They are navigating a world that is becoming increasingly confusing.
The 22 Lessons Every Family Should Remember
Below are the 22 powerful lessons shared by Dr. Sung, along with practical reflections for families and caregivers.
1. Introduce Yourself Every Time You Visit
“Please call me by my name and tell me who you are.”
A person with dementia may not recognize familiar faces immediately. Introducing yourself gently helps reduce confusion and anxiety.
Instead of asking:
“Do you know who I am?”
Try:
“Hello Dad, it’s Rajesh, your son. I’ve come to spend some time with you.”
2. Enter Their Reality Instead of Correcting It
“If I feel like I am living in another time, stay with me there for a while.”
If your parent believes they are in a different decade, arguing may only create distress.
Sometimes emotional comfort is more important than factual accuracy.
3. Accept Their Memories with Kindness
“If I talk about an old friend or a deceased relative, smile and accept it.”
The memories that remain are often deeply meaningful.
Allowing seniors to revisit those memories can bring comfort and joy.
4. Do Not Argue
“Let me win with love.”
Dementia changes how the brain processes information.
Arguments rarely solve anything and often increase agitation.
Choose peace over proving a point.
5. Do Not Feel Hurt If I Don’t Recognize You
“It doesn’t mean I don’t love you.”
This may be one of the most painful experiences for family members.
Remember that memory loss affects recognition, not emotional bonds.
6. Allow Me to Try Things Independently
“Give me a chance to eat with my hands if I forget how to use a spoon.”
Maintaining independence helps preserve dignity and self-esteem.
Offer support only when necessary.
7. Hold My Hand When I Am Anxious
“Sit quietly with me.”
Sometimes presence is more powerful than words.
A reassuring touch can communicate safety and love.
8. Do Not Treat Me Like a Child
“My mind is still that of an adult.”
Even when cognitive abilities decline, adults deserve respect and dignity.
Avoid talking down to them or making decisions without involving them.
9. Let Me Continue Doing What I Love
Meaningful activities help maintain identity and emotional wellbeing.
Whether it is gardening, music, prayer, reading, or knitting, encourage participation whenever possible.
10. Listen to My Stories Again
“Even if you’ve heard them many times.”
Repeated stories may be among the few memories still accessible.
Listening patiently becomes an act of love.
11. Understand My Emotions
“Try to understand why I am upset.”
Behavior often communicates an unmet need.
Look beyond the behavior and explore possible causes such as pain, fear, hunger, loneliness, or confusion.
12. Treat Me the Way You Would Like to Be Treated
This simple principle can guide every caregiving decision.
Compassion, patience, and respect should always come first.
13. Keep Snacks Available
People living with dementia may forget when they last ate or may have difficulty expressing hunger.
Healthy snacks can help prevent discomfort and agitation.
14. Speak Directly to Me
“Look me in the face when talking about me.”
Never discuss a person as though they are not present.
Inclusion helps maintain dignity and self-worth.
15. Don’t Feel Guilty If Caregiving Becomes Difficult
“Please don’t blame yourself.”
Caregiving is emotionally demanding.
Family caregivers need compassion and support too.
16. Visit Me If I Live in a Care Facility
“Please don’t forget to come see me.”
Regular visits provide reassurance, familiarity, and emotional connection.
Presence matters greatly.
17. Be Patient with My Mistakes
“If I call names wrong or forget things.”
Correcting every mistake can create frustration.
Patience helps maintain a calm and supportive environment.
18. Let Me Listen to Music
Music often reaches parts of the brain that remain preserved longer than memory.
Many people with dementia respond positively to familiar songs from their youth.
19. Don’t Worry If I Carry Things Around
“Put them back later.”
Many individuals with dementia develop habits that provide comfort or security.
As long as safety is not compromised, these behaviors can be gently accommodated.
20. Respect My Beliefs and Traditions
Religious practices, cultural customs, and lifelong routines provide familiarity and comfort.
Maintaining these connections helps preserve identity.
21. Never Hesitate to Hold My Hand
Physical affection can reduce anxiety, loneliness, and fear.
A simple touch often communicates what words cannot.
22. Remember That I Am Still Me
“I am not the person you remember, but I am the same person you loved.”
This final message may be the most powerful of all.
Dementia changes memory, language, and behavior, but it does not erase a person’s worth, humanity, or need for love.
Behind every diagnosis is a person who still longs for connection, acceptance, and belonging.
What These 22 Lessons Teach Us
Collectively, Dr. Sung’s reflections remind us to:
- Choose empathy over correction.
- Value emotions over facts.
- Preserve dignity and independence.
- Maintain meaningful relationships.
- Practice patience during difficult moments.
- Focus on the person, not the disease.
These principles form the foundation of person-centered dementia care.
What Families Can Do Today
If your elderly parent (senior) is living with dementia or showing signs of memory decline, consider the following:
Communicate Calmly
- Speak slowly and clearly.
- Use simple sentences.
- Maintain eye contact.
- Introduce yourself if necessary.
Create a Structured Routine
- Keep meal times consistent.
- Follow familiar daily schedules.
- Minimize sudden changes.
Encourage Meaningful Engagement
- Music therapy
- Art and crafts
- Gentle exercises
- Reminiscence activities
- Social interaction
Focus on Feelings
Instead of asking whether something is factually correct, ask:
“How are they feeling right now?”
Responding to emotions often matters more than correcting facts.
How VataVriksh Parent Care Supports Families Facing Dementia
At VataVriksh Parent Care, we understand that dementia affects not only the individual but the entire family.
Our approach emphasizes:
- Dignity-centered care
- Structured daily routines
- Cognitive stimulation activities
- Emotional support
- Safe and secure environments
- Personalized engagement programs
- Professional supervision by trained caregivers
We believe that every individual living with dementia deserves to be treated with patience, respect, and compassion.
Whether living at home or in a specialized care setting, seniors thrive when they feel valued, understood, and loved.
A Message for Every Family
One day, many of us may find ourselves caring for a parent who no longer remembers our name.
That moment can be heartbreaking.
Yet Dr. Sung’s words remind us of something important:
The goal is not to preserve every memory.
The goal is to preserve dignity, comfort, and love.
When memory fades, relationships change. But kindness remains powerful.
The person may forget who you are.
But they will often remember how you made them feel.
And perhaps that is what matters most.
Final Thoughts
Dementia teaches us one of life’s greatest lessons: love is not dependent on memory.
By approaching elderly parents (seniors) with patience, empathy, and understanding, families can transform the dementia journey from one of fear and frustration into one of connection and compassion.
At VataVriksh Parent Care, we encourage every family to remember Dr. Sung’s final message:
“Please remember, I am still me.”
When we truly understand these words, we become better caregivers, better family members, and ultimately, better human beings.
Need Guidance for Dementia Care?
If your family is facing challenges related to memory loss, dementia, or caregiving stress, VataVriksh Parent Care offers professional support, day care services, assisted living, and personalized care programs designed to enhance the quality of life of elderly parents (seniors).
Contact us to learn how we can support your loved one’s journey with dignity and compassion.
This article is repurposed by:
Dr Subodh Kumar
Cognitive Psychologist, VataVriksh Parent Care
